Kittensavvy Wonders

It's been quite a while since I've written anything here. I can't promise you that anything absolutely thrilling has happened. I am currently an English major with a History minor, hoping to keep my head above financial waters. Life, as has been proven in the past, is still a matter of rolling the dice - now more than ever as I have found the world of role playing. My head is spinning, lovelies, for today is a migraine day. I don't know what induced me to remember this quaint little blogging site, but I suppose it can't all be bad :P Perhaps I shall write more later. I've missed you all. Adieu!

that's what i've been wondering these days...oh well. i do note that hallie, lily, and myra do. oi...i'm so freakishly tired and today i have to go talk to my advisor about nxt sem's classes. *not happy* i feel like i want to die. but then...winter normally does that to both me and my immune system -_O damn ye foul cold and humid murder! haha...yes, well, i am currently contemplating eating, as that seems useful these days, as well as changing my major (an interesting topic for my ce advisor, we'll see how he takes it) i hate school. i should have taken the major i wanted instead of being peer pressured into this. blah. now i understand why ce's are in such low supply...it's boring, it means nothing, and it's all about rubbing ppl the right way while doing other things assumed to be best for the public. stupid stupid stupid....it's like law, only you don't get to openly lie to the public...often. i should have just gone with law, or at least gone into architecture. now i have to find some studio classes before i forget everything. *sighs* well, that's my rant. ttyl.

How many eves have lived to see
The stars break out in symphony
With songs seductive as the fruit,
Which bore and sought sin at its root...
Or saw the moon gaze lovingly
Upon a dam of clouds or tree
Who sway beneath the whistling wing
Who bows before the regal king?
I tell ye now twas not a score
A dozen, yes? Or less, not more...
For eves are oft tempted away
To worship at the throne of day
And lost are they to Father's glass
For Mother's gone to die, alas!
Now are we, the bardic ones,
To mourn the daughters and the sons,
As the twilight shepherds turn to dust
Our line the end, our end unjust...
The sand clicks down the narrow neck,
Each life a single timeless speck.
And wonder I where we shall be
When last our eve bows loyally,
Before the Prince in blazing gown
Of crimson red and thorny crown;
Will then our Queen unfettered stand
To kneel and bless His bleeding hand?
Or whilst in her own robe of red
At last remain in shadow's bed?
These thoughts have I when reading here
The words of He who she held dear...
They say her visage dark will stay
As He comes to lead the Way,
But what of we who serve her too,
Though love we also King so true:
The path we marked to spread His grace,
While nightly gazing upon Her face?
Say they that she is but a stone,
Still symbolic of the world unknown.
Now see her fate is coming soon,
The death of the Queen, the fall of the moon...
Hear sweetly song of eves no more,
The angels drown it with their roar;
Our brethren shed our cloaks of night,
To don the virgin white of light.
Our fires dead, our tomes now close,
A tribute to the Charon's Rose;
The night is dead, the court is done,
This is the end, we serve the Son.

Dear Sanity,

I quit.

P.S. Yes...you read the job title correctly. I now work for World Domination. They have better dental.

I was a light, and I watched you nightly
You were asleep, but I loved you still;
I sang for you, and I shone so brightly
Dancing for you outside your windowsill,
But you were a boy, and you did not love me
And so I died, I burned away...
I was a star, but I came here for you
That you might learn to love me;
You made a wish, and I granted it gladly,
And now I lay here by your side...
But I am sad, for you don't truly know me
And I know, your love is the same;
But when you look into the heavens,
You miss the place from where I came...
I was a star, and I loved you deeply,
And so for you, I gave what was mine;
And now my heart is sore and broken,
For ne'er again, will I ever shine...
I gave you all, as I danced my last dance,
My heart burned for you...but I was just a light...

The delicate tremor of flesh,
Trickles of pleasure sidling down
The parted lanes of lush desire...
A breathe of cool air,
To tantalize the senses
Into feverish rushes of...
A pause. A singular moment
Of the brushing of lock to skin,
Of silken caress to wine sweet lips...
Drunk in the jolts of ecstasy
Tumbling haphazardly into sanity
Only to leave one gasping and alone...
So alone in the silence of the night
Where coarse sheets lay tangled
On the dead frame of love's altar...
So cold in the emptiness of passion,
Of sated pleasure's winter,
As tears begin to fill the place of kiss...
Until the eye ensnares another victim
To drag into wants' delicious torture
And all is forgotten as one returns...
The heart is lost with the turn of a key,
The clatter of steps down a well worn path,
To dance again for that human weakness...
A whisper. A moan.
The sting of teeth sinking in,
The world is dark with sin...
Swimming in the sullied banks,
Tasting fruits already bitten,
Exhausted and yet...still unfulfilled.

well...college life hasn't turned out so horribly. granted, i need to get a move on on my new hw, but other than that it's all very kittensavvy. new friends are...hmm...we'll go with interesting for now. i can't believe how many 5th yr seniors there are! it's a lil crazy....hopefully i can graduate in 4 :/ anywho...i have to get to class, but i thought i'd give a shout out to all those lil persons out there who i miss desperately!!! *tear* love ya and miss ya!

when all else is gone, i remember You. You who loved me first and best...when i am hurt and angry, You are the first i curse, and for that there is no real apology equal to Your love. yet...though You are here for me when i am silent and You were here when all was naught...surely there is room for another. i remember him too...that sweet boy who has grown into a man too soon...because of circumstance...God loves me, yes...but one love does not have to be exchanged for the other. that is what this one has learned...in my ignorance and arrogance i have lost that beautiful one of mine. i have betrayed the one meant for me. He will forgive, and he will love me...i remember this as i am seeing which way is right...so many things running through my heart...joy that i have found Him. pain that i have lost him...and now...now? all i can do is remember...

tonight i said goodbye...tomorrow...He will say hello. it is good, that this thing should happen. it is right that God will be where once the other was. does it hurt any less? no...but it is the right thing. the right this is not always the good thing. but then...life is always what it is. there must be no regret, no tears, no hopelessness...there must only remain His glory. that is what one thinks...but the one is still sorry that the other must be hurt.

Do you feel it?
Tightening, threatening...beckoning?
Can you hear the abrasive croon
That seems to soothe the inner beast?
No? Nor I anymore...
It used to be music, dancing on the tip of dreams
Holding me closely like a lover should.
What did it matter though, how hard I listened
To that sweet cacophony of chaos and destruction
Of renewal and redemption...rebirth?
Is there such a thing?
Here we scrounge like dogs to feed that natural hunger,
To succeed and survive that our offspring may do the same...
And what of it? Is it worth the price,
This war for vanity and viceroy?
Don't ask, don't tell, don't let them slip away...
But why would we ask, what could we tell, who have we to lose?
Oh, I remember, all of these promises like gold
That shimmered like the sun upon new formed wings -
Feeling them outstretched, tenderly nipped by the teeth in the wind...
Disillusioned, free from the perilous insincerity of impetus.
Imagine running on your guilded wheel,
Eating every morsel off your silver platter,
Drinking wine until you've killed yourself in the mirror due to drunken pride...
Then see the cat, tail twitching outside your cage.
Do you open the door and step out, that you may die in truth?
Or do you live your days in the plush conformity of our petlike existences?
The abstemious and the gluttonous, our brides and grooms.
Shadows, all of you, haunting my head
Filling the glorious choir of silence with your dissonance.
I want nothing of you.
It's not about the note...it's about the feeling once the note is gone.
You don't remember music, you remember the sensations by vibrations.
It's the difference between the sweet prattling squeals of a child,
And the haughty whine of the same plea from an adult.
Music and beauty rest in our souls, in our cores, coiled around our subconscious...
Elating euphony that seizes the senses with indescribable pleasure,
But you have broken mine. You have stolen it with your selfishness.
You, who is called life, fate, path, journey...
I am a nick upon your wearied, stone frame.
I am deaf, and what I do see brings me sorrow,
For without the harmony of beauty, it is all wretched and worthless...
That is why, I am standing on the cliff's edge,
My breath stolen by the expanse and sheer emptiness of it all.
It reminds me of life. Yet, within that abyss, there below is more...
It isn't empty at all, merely hidden, lost...forgotten.
So I find my hope, and the music strains against the cultural barriers
I seem to have resurrected unknowingly...but there is still fear.
For I have lost the music once before, twice before...
How long until again the world rapes me, and I am gone?
I want to be the cliff...to be able to hold life above me,
And real life within me...Circles within circles...
We're spinning, faster and faster and faster...
Do you feel it?

tony's here...and he's a giant ass...only, he's asian, so he has none...so sad and...yeah, ok. i'm done.

hey so...today i became an official aggie...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. anywho, now i guess i should get facebook, but i have no idea how to...so...help? mrow? whoop? lmao...blah!

i'm singing from the bottom of my heart..."I LOVE JT DURHAM!!!"



haha...yes...laugh at my sillyness....but it's true none the less :D

Fight For All The Wrong Reasons Nickelback lyrics
Artist: Nickelback
Album: All The Right Reasons
Year: 2005
Title: Fight For All The Wrong Reasons


Well I wanted you
I wanted no one else
I thought it through
I got you to myself
You got off
Every time you got on to me
I got caught up
In favorable slavery

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

Well you know my friends
Well they know your enemies
I’d pretend
Not to hear what they said to me
‘Cause I got off
Every time you got on to me
Was it wrong
To go along with insanity?

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons







this song has been stuck in my head all day long...i don't know why. well...i'm bored...i wish ppl would come visit. *sigh* blah...*goes off to look for something marginally shiny*

damn it all...get out of my head...i don't want to think about you, ok? you're supposed to be gone...i don't want to think about it....out out OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no...i don't want to remember your smile...hell no...i don't want to remember your kiss...your hugs...that quirk in your eye when you thought i was bein a child...that's all i ever was to you...leave me alone....i tried so hard, why can't it be over? i'm happy now...aren't i? why do you still haunt me? it's over...over...OVER, damn it...leave me the fuck alone!!!!!!!! stop it...i don't want to hear your voice...i don't want to remember these things about you...your fears, your wants, your thoughts...they've all changed, just like you. they're only ghosts. my head's the house, and you spend your time haunting it at will...if i say sorry, will you go away? if i say i still loved you, would you leave me be? you know it's true...i loved you even through all of the hate....i wanted you gone. for good. i wanted you to die, but i knew i'd give my own life trying to bring you back...god fucking damn it....why the hell did you do this to me? why in hell do i do this to myself? i thought if i spent the whole night thinking about you...i'd get you out of my head, out of my system...but no...it's only worse. i can see it all, remember every detail...all i ever was to you was a toy, and still i wonder why...what was it about me? everything was so perfect....at least...i thought it was...you didn't even stay with her that long...i hate you. go away. leave my memories alone...i don't want you anymore...i've spent too much of my life trying to live up to your thoughts of me...you thought i'd become a slut...and i did for a while. all for you. all so you could see the flesh you created...how do you like me now, bastard? i hate you...and i loved you...you took the best part of me and destroyed it...i hope i never see you again...i loved you...but that's it. past tense....oh please....just let me hate you. just leave me alone....i see my old friends, and i see your mark on them...why?!!?!! did i deserve that? maybe i did...i was so fucking stupid...so damnably young....why me?!?!? why the fuck me??? i can't take this...i have to let you go, and yet i can't...someone help me...please...anyone....i can't go on like this...i love someone else, but my head is haunted by the ghost of another...i want to die...i want to be free...i want to live...i want so many things and yet the simplest is so complex...i just want to forget...should i pick up that bottle over there? should i forget that way? logic says no...logic says stop now...logic says don't post this...but i need somebody to help me...i nursed the wound for too long...i thought it'd healed so i came back to the world. i'm here. i made a new life. i found a new self...only...now...old ppl are coming back and it's all rushed back and the wounds have reopened.....oh god....i want to die...i want it all to go away again...i thought i had been prepared...thought i'd have enough time to welcome them back...but i can't. i can see it in their eyes. they still think he's good. i can't blame them...part of him is...has he changed at all? did he outgrow his evil streak? i'll never know...i'll only hurt...forever...because of him....i was broken when he left me...that's all i'll ever be...i loved too deeply the first time...what do i do this time? should i show him? should i let down my walls and show him? should i show the world the extent of my past love? here it goes.....logic is dead.....i still loved him after that day...after that night....after everything....oh damn it, i loved him, and i wanted to show him i could become what his imagination made me...so i did. and nothing happened. all i found was more pain...he had more control over me then than ever before...sad isn't it? there's something called obsession...was that it? that why does it hurt so fucking much? why can't i go a day without feeling the sting of his last words....it wasn't long until i'd almost forgotten...i'd ALMOST forgotten, you here that bitch?!?! i'd almost forgotten about you...but then...i got a fucking email that reminded me of you...it led me to a site...and there...i saw you the way you used to be...writing, revealing truth, being everything you'd promised...only...now...what in the hell is wrong with me? i'm supposed to be past all of this...why is it that a few conversations with my past bring back all of this misery...i just want to talk to someone...but how can i? they'll say i'm crazy...i should get a life...heh...but you know what's so damn sad? i have a life...without you. i've moved on. i'm happy in that other life, with my beloved....but there are nights when i visit this old place...that place i can't seem to cut out of me...you've scarred me....i hate you. I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry and i can't anymore....i can't. not for you. i made a promise to myself...not for you. i want you to die....i want you to go away forever....please....PLEASE!!!! i'm begging you...just leave me alone. i don't want you here anymore. i want to be my own. i want to be my own mistress....because of you...i'm losing my mind...oh yeah...he's gotten close to me...closer than anybody else...i THOUGHT closer than even you...but no...he couldn't get that far without killing me...like you tried to do, though maybe more unintentionally than i thought...was i wrong? could i possibly have been? they must have chosen you for some reason or another...was it only your words, or something more? TELL ME!!!! you can't can you? coward...heartless bastard....i won't be as heartless as you....i'll show them myself. see me world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am heartless too!!!!!!!!!! one piece lays with my beloved wolf...one piece lays with the ones i protect...and the last piece? that last piece which was taken and never fully returned!!!!!!!! kept on a fucking leash...and he doesn't even know it...yes. you have it, bastard. that's right...bastard. how you hated that word...how you almost killed me when i said it the first time playfully...well, i mean it now...we both are. maybe mine recognized me in the end, as did his family...but i'm still a bastard. you are too...an unlucky one. heh, you could have had anyone. but you chose a shapeshifter, and this is what you got. you knew though...perhaps not fully, but to a point...and when you figured it out, you were afraid....well, good!!! i hope you choke on your fear...i hope you never find what you're looking for. i curse you now, like you cursed me. i hope you rot, alone, unloved...forever the untouchable bastard you always paraded yourself to be...you played on pity, now live it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i won't have you in my head. i will get you out one day...never to have to be afraid to travel somewhere just because it risks me seeing you there....why should i be afraid? i shouldn't....you know what...i changed my mind...i hope you find someone...someone as fucking horrible as you. that way, you can feel the same pain...stroke for stroke...but you loved pain, didn't you? heh...you left your mark, but i left mine too...now feel it burn...you may not feel it now....but one day...your daughter will meet a handsome sweet boy, and that'll be my son. he'll know you for what you are...you will feel it all through the eyes of your daughter....suffer...slowly....under every name there is....bitch they may call me...but who cares? i'm unlovable anyway...might as well get something out of it....no...that's not completely true...the wolf still loves me...for now....i can't hurt him...never...not after he's been there for me...not after he's come so close to me...the place you hold should be his...he should be the only fucking thought in my head....at all times....why are you there? what do i do??? what do i fucking do....i'm writing...and for once, i can't stop writing...it goes on and on and on...i can't stand it....i just want it all to flow it...for good...but the more i write, the more i think, the more i remember....and i can't escape...just kill me now...somebody...anybody....no one knows...what it is...to love someone, but not be able to give them all of it because so long ago someone else destroyed a part of it...baby, i want to love you so much more than i do...but i can't seem to let go of this hate inside me for that other person...i want to...so badly....it's an infection that never seems to heal.....except...when i'm with you...then it all goes away......so damn peaceful.....it's only when you're gone, that it all seems to come back so easily...but why? he was gone...only now...i remember and it's all gone to hell inside of me...

due to my increased boredom...

JC walked in trailed by angels and
handguns in the shapes of crosses...
I thought, this is the end, here it comes
no more to see the light...just a flash...
Then Big D rides in on his stallion o black
and he's waving his arms, says he wants to cut losses
no more warring between the Ritz and the Flames...
Daddy looks down like we've all gone crazy
the world swirls, it all turns hazy...
this isn't how the preachers told us it would be
but there goes Big D with Mr. JC
and everyone's happy, everyone's fine
and Daddy's just rolling cuz He's divine...
what can I say? I never wanted anything from either...
I'm layin back sipping lemonade and watching
as there's demons and angels out front
joining in that strolling parade,
and there goes the prez with a couple of lez...
nobody said it would come to blows,
just said that JC would win and there'd be a new world
and I promise you...this is as new as it gets
where the mommies are all bachelorettes
and the daddies are kings and dancing around
with the kiddies runnin naked cuz that's how it goes
at the end of the world when the big boys come to play
I close my eyes one more time, listenin to that heavenly chorus
where the angels rap and the demons are playin cellos like no tomorrow
sometimes I wish that's how it would be...everythin workin out
all harmony and cakes, but then I open my eyes
and I see on TV all these boys shootin each other
cuz nobody's figured out the end yet...
so I close my Bible, walk out that glass door,
wanting to go back to dreamland, where anything is possible...

Teach me to cry, teach me to live...
Teach me to lie, teach me to give...

I never thought the path I walked
was such a bitter road;
I never thought the path I walked
was more than I was owed.

I only wish the wind would blow
or else the sun would shine
or e'en if the rain would fall
just to feel for one last time...

I never thought the path I walked
was bent so many ways;
I never thought the path i walked
would turn into my cage.

I only wish the fire would burn
or else the snow to cling
or e'en to have someone cut
that I might feel the sting...

I never thought that hope was mine;
I never questioned fate;
I only wanted one path
but I fear mine's lost to hate...

I only wish the water'd churn
or else the ground to shake
or e'en to be thrown to death
And buried on a stake...

I never thought the path I walked
was darker than it is;
I never thought it of my path
until the path was His...

I only wish the stars would smile
or else the moon to shine,
for it seems the only sun I had
is never to be mine...

10 simple pleasures in life...

1)Being in JT's arms
2)Being with friends/family
3)Dreaming
4)Writing
5)Singing
6)Dancing in the rain
7)Playing with my animals
8)Playing with lil kids
9)Being random
10)*insert simple pleasure here*

I want to feel it again...the pain, the sorrow, the chaos...I thrived on it, terrifying as that realization is, what can I do? I know that's where I should be...in the darkness, in the slime of despair and disgrace...people might ask me why...It is so that I might save those I love. If I am to heal all that I need to, I must first endure that destruction completely...I was almost there. I had come so far on my path...I could taste the darkness as it poured over me, began to change me...but before I lost who I was, someone pulled me out. Now, I am split...into so many pieces. I love him so much...more than words can describe or that even the heart may fathom, but what of my own? What of the ones I am sworn to protect with my blood, with my heart...is my happiness worth their demise? I made two promises, never dreaming they could contradict each other...am I to lose the most precious gift in my life for them? Should I? It seems so long ago that I was that shoulder everyone cried on, the sound mind, the solid foundation of truth...but what have I come to since then? I indulged love before...and it shattered me and spread my ashes for a blanket over that one's own callousness...That was part of the pain though. It was the first time I could see my purpose. Only...I am human too...I've remembered that hollow place within me and he has filled it with fire. I want him...but the problem is...They want me too.

We’re dancing on a frozen bed
Where dreams played in softer days
And all around us lie the black skulls
Of our luckless regrets and miseries,
And no one else may stay their paws
On ice that knows but two bloods...

For the rivers sing in our veins
And the wind kisses the skin,
While the world turns on its rusted pole
And the seasons change within.

We’re rolling in the dew laced grass
As the sun rises high to warm us
And all around us lie the remains
Of our gluttonous feast on waking,
And nothing else may sate us
But the copper wine that floods...

For the rivers sing in our veins
And the wind kisses the skin,
While the world turns on its rusted pole
And the seasons change within.

We’re slinking through the shadows,
The East King pale no longer,
And all around us are the cries
Of our own out to meet the world,
And no one else may near us
Else they gambol with their souls...

For the rivers sing in our veins
And the wind kisses the skin,
While the world turns on its rusted pole
And the seasons change within.

We’re resting in the crackling leaves
That blanket the bones of old,
Weary and uncertain, but we remain
Our hearts’ treasures buried in the fall
And nothing else may move us
For life's dimmed to embers in destiny’s coals...

For the rivers sang in our veins
And the wind kissed the skin,
While the world turned on its rusted pole
And the seasons changed within.